Maybe. Assuming that to Garfunkel someone is to put up with them even though they’re a fat lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and eats all the lasagna.

[exchange from this week’s Community that I can’t stop lulzing over]

Seeing this thing reminded me of this other thing.

bonerparty:

what’s fucking great about cultural gentrification is, like, fifty years ago i’d have to go to Appalachia to bang chicks like Joanna Newsom. and even then i’d have to arm wrestle a bearded guy for her under a full moon while the whole village clapped.

now all i have to do is hop on a train to Brooklyn and PRESTO. i’m *THIS* close to moving out there and just putting a bottle of Charles Shaw and a Smiths record on the end of a fishing pole and dangling it out my window.

Millie: okay, i have seen too many real-life zooey deschanels
April: oh no
April: GOD
April: BARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Millie: dude.
April: I HATE INDIENESS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
April: i swear i want to start wearing BIG JOHNSON T-SHIRTS OR SOME SHIT
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: let’s start wearing CRACKER BARREL UNIFORMS
April: i fucking do!
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: then people will think we’re racists.
April: OR WORSE
April: think we are being IRONIC
April: GOD MAN
April: HARDCORE INDIE PEOPLE CAN SUCK IT!
Millie: well then it has to be RYAN’S STEAKHOUSE
April: i have a LIFE DILEMMA here
April: because i love clothes
April: I LOVE CLOTHES. i love dressing up or whatever
April: BUT
April: i feel like i have to somehow make it clear that i am not into ZOOEY DESCHANEL-ESQUE PRECIOUSNESS
April: you know?
Millie: well yeah, you are in a PICKLE
April: like, “just because i look this way, i’m still gonna fucking listen to LL COOL J and eat steaks” or whatever
Millie: i mean, i think it’s clear from the first TWO SECONDS of meeting you though that you aren’t
Millie: haha
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: hahahaha
April: GOOD. THANK YOU.
Millie: “ll cool j/steaks”
April: i’m just trying to think of things ZOOEY-TYPE GIRLS have never done
Millie: i seriously think we need to change the game
Millie: big johnson t-shirts is great
April: i feel like she has never listened to a single ll cool j song or had one bite of a RIBEYE
Millie: i mean, i really do feel like we need to bring back dr. seuss hats
Millie: just to fucking say FUCK YOU
April: but i’m looking at these dresses these girls wear and i like them! they are great! but i don’t need to wear them with black tights and elf shoes and pose in a rose garden or whatever!
April: GOD!
April: CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE AT LEAST
Millie: ALL COY
April: SO. FUCKING. PRECIOUS.
April: i hate how nothing is sincere now!
April: like you can’t even LEGIT like some shit without everyone constantly thinking you’re BEING IRONIC
April: like somebody was recently laughing about my love of elvis, like, “haha, that’s funny,” like it’s IRONIC, and i was baffled!
April: i mean, it’s ELVIS. like, that’s like ironically liking a DESK or a LAMP or DAN RATHER or something. he just IS. he’s just a PART OF AMERICAN LIFE
April: i hate INDIENESS. i swear i want to date a fucking monster truck driver or something
Millie: [link to a picture of an impossibly cute and precious indie girl]
April: whatever to that girl.
April: i could pick food out of my teeth with her legs.
Millie: she’s fucking zooey d.
Millie: period.
Millie: like they have the same vacant wood nymph stare and everything
April: oh totally
April: here’s my thing: what dude wants to FUCK that though?!
April: i just genuinely do not understand!
April: it’s like wanting to fuck a PORCELAIN DOLL!
Millie: RIGHT?!
Millie: that’s what i was thinking too!!
Millie: i was like “weird, they probably have the weirdest sex life ever”
April: like i know MANY DUDES who have said aloud, “zooey deschanel is my dream girl.”
April: ????!!?!?!!!!!!!
April: when i think of DREAM GIRL, i think TOTAL PACKAGE
Millie: but she’s so PRESERVED
Millie: like museum quality
April: which means smart, funny, all that shit, but also BRINGING IT IN BED
April: which i GUARANTEEEEEE zooey d. don’t do
Millie: well she’s cute and perfect but she’s not sexy?
Millie: like she doesn’t have the look in the eye so devilish
April: RIGHT? EXACTLY!
Millie: like to me, sexy is kind of rough around the edges
Millie: ?
April: EXACTLYYYYYYY
April: at least a LITTLE BIT
Millie: right
Millie: like it’s kind of dark
Millie: and weird
Millie: and not like BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED
April: let’s get serious here: zooey d. gives a shitty blow job.
April: YOU KNOW that is true. you know it!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: well, only because it’s like, too messy for her
April: yes! too messy and she’s worried she won’t look cute doing it
Millie: exactly
Millie: like she’d want to hold hands, bare mins
April: yes! like she gets tense when the dude goes for the fingerblast
Millie: HAHAHA GET TENSE!
April: AM I NOT CORRECT?
Millie: no you are so right
Millie: she wants to have cute sex!
Millie: CUTE SEX!
April: which is IM.POSS.I.BLE
Millie: exactly
Millie: sex is like the equivalent of a hair lip, lazy eye, and brown tooth rolled into one
April: if you’re having cute sex, you’re not doing it right
Millie: it’s not like perfect skin and wide eyes
April: EXACTLY!
Millie: pigeon toed all looking reflective
April: i think zooey-types are, like, never nudes anyway
April: like always wear super huge vintage granny panties or whatever
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: i mean, sex is not cute
Millie: sex is gross
April: seriously. and if you’re concerned about how you look while doing it, it’s going to suck.
Millie: and it’s riddled with problems
Millie: by default
Millie: so like, it CAN’T possibly be cute
Millie: most people have to get DRUNK just to do it
Millie: so whatever
Millie: it’s awkward
Millie: CLOSING THE LOGICAL GAP
April: hahahahahahahahaha
April: exactly. it’s the obvious conclusion to come to.
April: overly cute/precious indie darling = shitty beej
April: FACE FACTS
Millie: yeah but i feel like guys LOVE that though
Millie: they love to defile and filthify the PRECIOUS FLOWER
April: ew GOD
April: that’s horrifying
April: yeah, but i mean, there are plenty of girls in between
April: that aren’t PRECIOUS DOLLS but also aren’t RAGING SLUTS or whatever
Millie: yeah totally. i think most girls we’d associate with are like, the balance between
Millie: like we’re not like total seasoned sea hags
Millie: but we still kind of want it a lot
April: totally!
April: that’s another thing though! zooey-type girls don’t even seem like they WANT IT
April: like since dicks aren’t CUTE, they don’t even want them
Millie: well it’s a kissing game, bottom line
Millie: like it’s childish, like little kids who kissed accidentally

Don’t let this picture fool you, I am really not a fan of Halloween.  (I am a fan of drinking and fake mustaches though.)  This is probably because my mom was Asian and therefore SUSPICIOUS OF AMERICA and its bizarre and shameful custom of buying your child grossly overpriced costumes and then letting them go door to door begging strangers for candy.  She just couldn’t endorse that.  Also, she was lazy and cheap, not overprotective.  When I was 4 she put $5 in my sock and sent me down the street to KFC to get lunch because she was too hungover to be a normal mother.  Some might say that’s bad parenting but you know what, I call it a valuable lesson in independence.

As much as we didn’t care about Halloween, I actually remember us passing out candy once.  But I remember so many more instances of us turning off our lights and pretending to not be home.  (I also remember waking up the next day to rinse the eggs off our front door.  Good times.)

So many costume parade days at school where I just wore my boring old regular clothes.  Honestly, I don’t really remember feeling left out or anything because I’d already been trained to not care that much.

I did manage to go trick or treating once, when I was like 10.  I borrowed my best friend’s brother’s football uniform and we went around the neighborhood and scored a ton of candy.  It was all right, I guess.  I had fun but it wasn’t like I couldn’t wait to do it again next year.  I think I realized early on that if I wanted candy that badly I could just buy my own.  Too much work, man.

Anyway, here’s how I became Julius Pringles this year:

Like Christmas shoppers waiting until 12/24 to hit up the mall, Lindsey and I went to our neighborhood Halloween shop on Saturday afternoon without any idea of what we wanted to be.  We scoured the picked-over racks and I was all resigned to buying a referee-in-a-bag costume (the only decent thing still left in the place) until we came upon their selection of fake (but 100% human) facial hair.  A mustache is essentially a costume waiting to happen, so I was just going to buy a couple “just in case”.  Then Lindsey noted that one mustache reminded her of the guy on the Pringles can, so she whipped out her iPhone to look for a picture and VOILA: Mr. Julius Pringles.  So simple yet so effective.  (Well, I did have to make a trip to the Burlington Coat factory to buy a red bow tie for $3 but that was it.)

Also, DRUNK PEOPLE LOVE PRINGLES.  All costumes should come with edible props.

Reading the LA Times has been a daily ritual for me since I was probably 12.  After looking at this chart, I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to look forward to having a newspaper delivered to my front door every morning.  Yeah, the Internet is great and all, but that’s not how I want to consume the news.  Which is to say, the Internet is wonderful for getting small blasts of information, but I don’t want to read 10,000 word essays on a computer screen.  The day I no longer have a paper to read at lunch, or at breakfast on the weekends, will be a terrible no good day and I get emotional just thinking about it.  In a world without newspapers, what are puppies going to shit on?

[chart via The Awl]

soupsoup:

indierawk:

Via The Onion.

Someone commented on Dodgerthoughts that following the game on Gameday is “like sitting down in front of a slot machine waiting for 777 to come up” and that couldn’t be more true.  Granted we were only down a run, but still, the odds of coming back to win with nobody on base and 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth are pretty long.  And the way it happened, with a catchable fly ball just bouncing off a guy’s stomach?  But just like in Vegas, everyone once in a while someone hits the jackpot; last night it was us.

Never have I been more excited to see the words “in play (runs)” than last night.  Not the most ideal way to watch a baseball game, but still pretty thrilling.  And to think I had tickets to the game, too.

[photo via LA Times]

That’s scalper-ese for “I have 2 extra tickets to Thursday’s Dodgers/Cardinals game and since it’s starting at 3pm and I can’t get out of work, please buy my tickets because I paid a lot of money for them and I’ll cry if they go unused, thanks.”

Also: FUCK YOU, YANKEES.  And you too, Bud Selig for coming up with this awesome idea of giving the team with the best record whose league won the All Star Game the option of picking when their series starts.  YOU HAVE TOTALLY FUCKED ME.  And you guys wonder why no one likes you.

I’m pretty sure I attended more Dodger games this year than in all my previous years combined.  Final regular season tally: 16, and the Dodgers went 11-5 in those games.

And now we open on Wednesday against the Cardinals and I’ve got a pair of tickets to games 1 and 2.  And if they get past the Cards, I’ve got tickets to game 7 of the LCS.  What a game that could potentially be, the Dodgers at home trying to clinch their first World Series birth since 1988.

Whatever happens, win or lose, this has been an incredible and memorable year — this is arguably the best Dodgers team of my lifetime and I’m just along for the ride trying to soak up as much as I can.  Now let’s go out and win one for Vin.

(via letitride)

If I was to curate a festival of bands I never got to see because they broke up before I got the chance and/or never played the US after I reached show-going age, it would look like this:

Whiskeytown

The Jayhawks

Pulp

Suede

Stone Roses playing their first album ONLY

Kula Shaker

Mansun

Ben Folds Five

The Smiths

The Replacements

… and more to be announced when I’m not sitting at my desk at work and can actually think about this some more.

Because it seems like the same 10 people are popping up on every show and it’s really disorienting.

Last night the principal from Glee was playing the Indian kid’s dad on Community (at least they didn’t use Ranjit from How I Met Your Mother, I guess.)  Also on Community is Pete Campbell’s wife from Mad Men, except she looks about 15 years younger.  Speaking of Mad Men, Roger Sterling’s child-bride is on that show Flash Forward playing a teenager, I think.  Flash Forward also stars D.A. Carver from Law & Order, Penny from Lost, and, at some point, Charlie from Lost.

I’m sure there are more examples of this but seriously, what’s the deal?

Harar beer, product of Ethiopia.  Delicious.

My second time eating Ethiopian food was more enjoyable than the first.  Whether that’s because I knew what I was in for or because the restaurant was better I can’t say for sure.  Probably both.  Even though I didn’t feel like I ate a lot, I still feel stuffed this morning.  Injera is super filling, I guess, and I devoured mine quickly and most of Lindsey’s and then tore a bunch off our communal plate.  Speaking of the communal plate, it was fairly large and loaded with goodies and I tried to sample a little of everything.  Looking at what we ordered, there was a lot of food to choose from.

KITFO steak tartare, Ethiopian butter and spices
YEBEGSIGA ALITCHA lamb stewed with garlic, ginger and other spices
DOROWOT spicy chicken stewed in red pepper sauce with Ethiopian butter

And also assorted veggies.

Everyone seemed to really love the lamb but I think I enjoyed the spicy chicken the most.  No one else seemed to think it was all that spicy, but my mouth was definitely on fire.  It wasn’t unpleasant at all, probably just the right amount of kick to it; not so spicy that you break out in a sweat.

But the beer, man.  So good!

Meals By Genet

[photo via Flickr]

heykata:

dodgers:

The only thing more frustrating than listening to the Dodgers give that game away last night to the Nationals with a score of 5-4, was listening to Charley Steiner call the game on the radio. I really don’t think a game has gone by that I’ve been listening to that I haven’t screamed “SHUT UP CHARLEY STEINER!” at the radio. From forgetting to repeat the score for minutes on end, to bungling calls (who can forget him calling the game as over in San Diego when the Padres had actually tied it up), to excitedly screaming into the damn mic when the opposing team scores. Now I’m all for fair and balanced game calling but you’re calling a Dodgers game. It’s kind of rubbing it in our face when you are YELLING about how amazing a play by the Nationals short stop is, or the home run that just tied the game.

Now there was some jackass accusing him of “blowing” Billingsley’s no hitter by talking about it in the 6th. That’s just ridiculous. Vin Scully mentioned the fact that Koufax was pitching a perfect game almost every minute of his amazing call of Sandy’s fourth no hitter. So I don’t hold that against him at all.

However if I have to hear “That ball is Going, Going! GOING!, and just falls short and is caught on the warning track by the right fielder…” one more time when the Dodgers hit a long fly ball, I’m going to drive my car into a telephone pole.

This is why I am going to learn Spanish so I can listen to Fernando and Jaime instead.

Last night I actually dreamed I met Charley Steiner.  Weird, right?  I was all starstruck too, saying stuff like, “I totally remember when you did Yankees broadcasts and I think that you should totally replace Vin when he retires.”  I don’t really believe he should replace Vin, by the way, but for all his short-comings (like not being able to judge a fly ball for shit), I think he does a decent job.  I even had a LOL moment a couple of days ago when he and Monday were riffing about some pitcher who couldn’t hit, and Steiner described him as someone who did a lot of window shopping, and then the pitcher made contact and Monday said something like “and sometimes he even goes into the store.”  Okay, I butchered that, but it was funny and I laughed.   Yeah, guess I’ve been listening to too much of him this season.

Even though I was born in Vegas, my mom and I used to visit LA often.  She had friends who lived out there and we’d probably make the trip out to visit a couple of times a year.  Most of these trips included a stop at Disneyland.  For some reason I have in my head that I went to Disneyland seven times as a kid, but regardless the accuracy of that number, the point is I frequented Disneyland fairly routinely.  The funny thing is, I only really have a memory of Disneyland as a whole, not the individual components.  Seems most people have really strong memories of this thing or that ride as a kid; all I really remember are teacups and It’s A Small World.  Maybe that’s enough?

After the age of 13 I visited Disneyland a grand total of once, and that was probably six years ago.  I didn’t really remember much about that trip either.  So when a group of us went a couple of Sundays ago, I wanted to try and soak in as much as possible, and here are some notes I made.

Disneyland is exhausting.

It’s also moderately creepy.  I know Disneyland is supposed to be this magical place where everything is wondrous and fairy tale-esque and dreams can come true and happy happy happy, but wow, it’s just so fake that it’s like walking into an alternate dimension or being lost in an episode of Eerie, Indiana or something.  I understand that there needs to be a sanctuary from the harshness known as the Real World, especially for little kids, but then again, what better time for little kids to learn that the Real World is a tough, fucked up place?  I mean, you can stop building roller coasters ‘cos real life is an extreme enough ride as it is.

Star Tours made me extra barfy.   Also, the concession stand right outside Star Tours has not changed in 20 years.  Those uniforms are in dire need of updating.  (Confession: I have not seen any of the Star Wars movies so maybe I shouldn’t talk.)

I rode my first roller coaster!  I think it was called California Screamin’; it’s the one in California Adventure.  It was all right.  This was the only ride where I was freaked out to the point where I started cussing up a storm, so I’d like to apologize to the family sitting directly behind me for all my S-bombs.  Still, I think I would rather do roller coasters than rides where you’re getting jolted around like a crash test dummy.

Tower of Terror (pictured!) was cool though.  Except for the annoying girls sitting in the very back who started screaming before the ride even started.  Maybe a part of me was hoping for a ride malfunction to decapitate all of them.  That would’ve been so cool and disgusting and it probably would’ve been one of those things where at first you’re like WOW THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! until you realize it wasn’t part of the ride and then you’re like HOLY SHIT, I’M GONNA FRIGGIN’ PUKE.  Well, that’s how it happens in the movies anyway.

During the Toy Story ride/game the way you shoot your gun is suspiciously similar to the movement you make when you jack off.  Lindsey outscored me, if that means anything.  (It means she’s good at jacking off.)

What else… oh yeah, if you’re forced to go on Splash Mountain and you’re averse to getting wet, then sit in the very back… the restaurant that you pass on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is actually pretty good, albeit expensive… if you must go on a weekend then go after Labor Day when kids have gone back to school.  Wait times for rides were 30 minutes at the most… did I mention that Star Tours is bad news bears?  Seriously avoid this ride if you don’t want a concussion and a headache that lasts two days… definitely stay for the fireworks show if you can because it’s one of the most impressive displays I’ve seen… and finally, AVOID STAR TOURS.

christinahaberkern:

Seriously, I can’t stop watching this.  So unexpectedly horrific, disgusting and hilarious.  Well played, Mad Men.